My wife and I are swingers and we do not have rules.

My wife and I are swingers and we do not have rules.

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A lot of people would read that and say that there is no way to make a relationship work without rules. Ours does, so let me explain.

1st of all, we prefer the term “guidelines” rather than rules. The word “rules” make me think of someone trying to control, govern, being strict, to direct. It just seems very one sided to my wife and I.

Guidelines refer to a course of action or a guide. It is a softer term, more flexible, more open, like our lifestyle. Guidelines are meant to be discussed and decided on, but also amended periodically as we change and grow together.

We have met couples that have rules like “No Kissing”, only to find one of their partners kissing
someone else, thereby breaking their rules. Once this happens, there is no going back. They had a rule and it was not followed. Loss of trust is one of the biggest factors in couple’s breakups today.

My 1st threesome occurred when my wife sat me down to let me know that she would like to bring home another girl and experiment with her to see what it would be like. She had always been attracted to women and we had fantasized about a threesome in bed, she was ready to take the next step and give it a try.

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I was equally nervous and excited. I asked her how we would find someone and to my surprise, she had already set up someone to come over that night. She then told me that she wasn’t sure if she was comfortable seeing me with another woman, but she wanted to try some things first and go from there. Deal! I shouted and got started getting ready for a night I will always remember.

Our single friend came over that night and I got to take part in something most men fantasize in, while I watched my wife and another woman have a truly beautiful encounter. It was nothing like any porn I had ever seen; it was slower, softer, more sensual and simply beautiful. When they were done, I was so happy for them, I could tell that it was a very special moment for them both.

Then Tess turned to me and said “O.K., now it is your turn”. I froze and didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t expecting this. I told her that this wasn’t what she said, she had told me she wasn’t ready for that and she replied “No, I said I didn’t know if I was ready to see you with someone else, but now I am here, and this feels right and I want to see you with her”.

It was right and we had a wonderful night, all three of us. It was a night that changed our lives forever. A night I am forever grateful for.

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That night would never have turned out the way it did, if we had rules. Tess communicated that she was unsure, but she never said “You can’t do this” or “You can’t do that”. She shared her uncertainness and when the time came, she shared her confidence to proceed. It takes a strong person to be able to share insecurities and indecision and an even stronger person that can love more than one person at a time.

We live in an open relationship and a relationship that has changed over the years. Our guidelines have changed as we have changed. We have learned a lot about ourselves and others and as we have grown older we have guided this open relationship in different directions based on where we lived, what our jobs entitled and who our friends were. We have expanded our boundaries at times and minimized them at other times.

Relationships should change over time. They should bend like a tree bends in the wind and they will continue to grow and branch out. The more rigid it is, the more of a chance for it to break.

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Talk to each other, whether in an open relationship or a more traditional one. Find out where you each are comfortable and live within those parameters, but keep an open mind for the possibility to expand those parameters as long as you are expanding them together.

JonGunnar Gylfason