Swinger Algebra

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I was talking to a friend the other day and I thought I’d share it with you. He spoke about coming to Hedo on a recent trip and he said that he had a hard time finding another couple to party with. Now this was a very nice looking couple and I couldn’t believe that they would have a hard time “hooking up” so I asked him “what was the problem” and he replied “Swinger Algebra”.

“What is Swinger Algebra”? I said. He explained that Swinger Algebra was a complicated math algorithm that explains the ration for potential play partners while traveling to lifestyle events and resorts. I still wasn’t “getting it” so he relayed the following story:

“We are a “full swap” couple and we found out a long time ago that this limited our potential partners. Let’s say there are 100 couples at Hedo with our group, let me explain how this works. Most likely, 35 couples are only “soft swap” meaning they are only interested in the ladies playing exclusively or very limited amount of interaction. That means there are only 65 couples left as a possibility.

100 Couples – (Soft Swappers) = 65

There are always about 10 couples who are brand new. They are interested in the same thing as us, but they require more work, more hand holding, more explanation and frankly, we just aren’t interested in being their instructors. We want to find a couple with some experience and are equals when we finally do climb into bed. We’re down to 55 couples.

65 Couples – (Newbies) = 55

We always find 4 to 6 couples that come together (maybe those two couples over there and those three couples over there). They are good friends and they came to Hedo together and we don’t have a chance of breaking into their circle. They are inseparable throughout the week. They eat together, dance together and yes, even sleep together. Since we aren’t in their “circle”, that means 6 more down, 49 to go.

55 Couples – (Cliques) = 49

We like a little spanking, but have you run into the couple that isn’t happy until everyone’s ass is bright red and they need to spend the next 2 hours tying everyone up and don’t forget the gags, hair pulling and whips. Fine with us if that’s their kink, but it’s not ours. Four more couples gone (unless you are here during Kink in the Caribbean and then we’d be completely out of luck) there are now 45 potential play partners out there.

49 Couples – (Too Kinky) = 45

One year we spent three nights getting to know one particularly nice couple only to find out on the 3rd night that they only play without condoms and they are really into gang bangs. They had set one up for that night and we could come (and I could be number 9 if I wanted). “No thanks” I said as I wished I could get my 3 nights back. There goes that couple and the 8 more that were coming to their “party”. 36 couples and counting.

45 Couples – (Questionable Safe Sex Practices) = 36

“”They seem nice” my wife said, only to find out that the other woman had just started her period. 35. And of course, she wasn’t the only one that became “out of commission”- 31.

36 Couples – (That Time of the Month) = 31

When we got it down to a reasonable number of possibilities, we still had to deal with one of the most difficult calculations: finding four people that are all equally attracted to each other. We call this the power of four.

We met one couple that we both liked, and he liked my wife, but I guess she didn’t like me. Another couple followed us around day and night (can you say “stalker”?) and there was no way either of us were going there. All in all, because it only takes one veto to nix another potential foursome, 31 potential partners dwindled down to 19.

31 Couples – (Personal Vetoes) = 19

19 couples out of 100, while at 1st, that seemed pretty bad, I thought about it and decided that even I couldn’t have sex with 19 couples in one week, so 19 wasn’t that bad. That was, until that one couple got in a fight. The other couple crashed early because he had too much to drink, then the next night she had too much to drink. There was another couple of couples that were both too drunk or high every night and we were down to 15.

19 Couples – (Drama) = 15

He hadn’t even brought race, religion or politics into the conversation, but you can always count on one of these to knock out a couple of couples too. 10.

15 Couples – (Conflicting Social Viewpoints) = 10

On the 6th night, I finally hooked up with the perfect couple. I liked her, she liked me, she liked my wife, my wife liked him, everything was in place for that perfect play time. He couldn’t get it up. No matter what my wife did, it wasn’t going to happen (why does this always happen to us?!!?). Sometimes when guys are really excited, performance anxiety rears it’s head and it just won’t work.

10 Couples – (Performance Problems) = 9

While not a total success, they were a very nice couple and we did have a nice time anyway. So now it’s our last (7th) night. We are down to 9 potential couples (out of 100) and time is slipping away. We have to make sure we don’t blow it and head home empty. Tonight, it’s on and we go through our checklist:

Best outfits: Check! Cologne: Check! Good shave (both above and below the belt): Check! Viagra: Check! Drink (but not too much drink): Check! Time to head out and find us some couples!

Weeding through the crowd, we circulated the main bar. After a while, we went up to the Piano Bar. It was Karaoke night and the week’s worst singers were vying for the microphone. Time to try the Disco. Luckily it was packed, but as we stood by the bar, we replayed the week in our head as we scanned the crowd.

BDSM couple there, girl on her period over there, clique of couples in the cage, I’m not even going to talk about the couple trying to “pick up” one of the entertainment coordinators (they don’t “get it”), not her, definitely not him… Man, we were running out of time and the Disco was starting to thin out.

9 Couples – (Can’t Find Them!) = 2

Maybe we should try the Nude Hot Tub, maybe the one in the Quad. Maybe we should slide down the slide and just give up. We’re probably down to 2 potential couples but we just can’t find them! Then a familiar voice calls us from behind and we turn around. It’s the couple from night #6. They were just about to head down when they saw us and decided to give it one more chance. They invited us back to their room and there was a long, awkward pause while we both looked at each other trying to figure out if we should try again or tempt our fate at one of the hot tubs…

“Sure” my wife finally said. She really liked this couple and later told me that she wanted to give him another chance. Thank god we did. It was one of the most awesome nights (sexually) of our lives. I don’t know if he scored some Cialis or what, but he was a totally different person on this night. He went on and on and all four of us spent the night riding wave after wave of pleasure like we haven’t had in years.

We stumbled back to our room at 7 am and the sun was already shining. We had an hour and a half to take a shower, pack and get our bags outside our room so we wouldn’t miss our shuttle to the airport. We slept during the shuttle to Montego Bay and for most of our plane ride home.”

I was starting to understand his story, I was starting to understand the arithmetic.

1(Great Experience) ≩ x(Forgettable Experiences)

The 1st thing they did when they returned home was book their next year ’s vacation back to Hedonism III. While they may have had a difficult time figuring out “Swinger Algebra”, that last night reminded them why they loved coming to Jamaica. It doesn’t matter if there are 19 or 99 potential couples out of 100, what matters were the memories that they made together.

They can’t wait until next year (and neither can we)…

JonGunnar Gylfason