Take a Breath
A breath of fresh air hurts this time of year. Somehow, Montana just gets colder and colder each year, and our winters are more unpredictable than ever. With the wind chill, the negative temperatures bite all the way down my lungs with every inhale. But then, nothing for weeks. The most mild of weather that lulls me into the false sense of security - spring time. The next morning, everything is ice again, covered in a new blanket of snow, waiting for me to track my journey in a public way.
My time in Zipolite for Naughty Kinky Beach and Naughty Beach was quite the welcome reprieve from the usual dredges of Montana Winter Grey. Soaking up the sunshine in such a beautiful place with so many opportunities to meet new friends, talk about things I’m passionate about, and practice my Spanish was such a treat. I’m learning to be more flexible, more confident, and more creative with solutions. I’m learning there’s great freedom in living your most authentic self - it’s so beautiful to be surrounded by people who are confident about their desires in “the lifestyle,” whether they’re public or not.
Since my introduction to ethical non-monogamy, I’ve remained completely closed off from the possibility of ever being public about the kind of relationships I have. It often feels inauthentic for me when I listen to stories of other people’s journeys - however active they currently find their lifestyle. I find myself more selfishly focused - jealous even - of their ability to be so casual with their openness. I covet their friendships and their relationships with their families that allow them to be as honest as they are about the very same things I harbor shame and secrecy about. As we begin to gear up and buckle down to focus on Naughty Nawlins, I find myself thinking about all the people who also aren’t “out” and who might be telling their friends and families similar stories that I am - either a work trip or a cute couples’ vacation. The carefully curated Instagram posts I feel obligated to do because I’m out of town and my friends expect that of me, the specifically timed texts to my parents so that if they call, I’m not surrounded by pulsing bar takeover music, and the time I set out for myself to do one or two touristy things so I can have enough pictures all contribute to the general feeling - this would all be easier if people knew. That reality bites as harshly as the -57-degree wind chill does.
Recently, I opened up to my best friend and my younger sister about having two partners. While neither one of them has ever entertained the idea of non-monogamy, they both had the same reaction: they can tell that I’m happier, that I’m well-loved, and that I am living the life that makes sense for me. It’s such a bittersweet and conflicting relief, knowing that they love and support my decisions, still feeling that I do need external validation for my choices, and believing that the support wouldn’t be there from other people if I shared. Instead of focusing on the reactions of people in situations that haven’t come to pass, I’m choosing to focus on the love and acceptance that I do have. One day, maybe the need for external validation and support won’t be so pressing.
