You tested positive… now what?
We have been pushing everyone to get tested for STIs before going to an event like Naughty N’awlins and to get tested regularly so you know your status, but what happens if your test comes back positive?
First of all, it is not the end of the world. It is better for you to know and be able to treat whatever STI you tested positive for. You can prevent the spread of it by not engaging in sexual activity until you can treat your STI and hopefully are cured with antibiotics. Some STIs (virus-based ones like Herpes and HIV are not curable, but can be treated to prevent breakouts.
Here are a couple of websites that can help determine what to do if you test positive and need to find a treatment:
Cleveland Clinic website on STIs MAYO Clinic on STIs
Talking about it
The most important thing you need to do when getting a positive test is to stop having sex and get treatment, but what then? Now comes the uncomfortable part of talking to your sexual partners. Why is this important? Because you may have contracted it from them, or you might have given it to them, and they need to get tested and possibly start treatment too.
Talking to your sexual partners can be intimidating. It can be embarrassing, and many in open non-monogamous relationships can fear being ostracized and shut out of plans and parties. Many people just stop going to parties, avoid areas where people are playing, and hide their situation. Others don’t tell their partners and keep playing, possibly spreading their STI to others, which is unethical and dangerous.
It’s time to flip this script and make people who are honest about STIs our heroes, mentors, and people to look up to instead of down to.
Some stories from our heroes on this subject
We wanted to showcase some examples of people who have flipped the script on the negative stigmatism of testing positive, by sharing some stories with you from real-life experiences:
A Polycule
A friend of mine has an extended play partner group they call their polycule ("polycule" is a term used in polyamorous relationships to describe a group of people who are interconnected and have shared romantic or intimate relationships, often described as a "network of lovers and lovers' lovers). She told me that they all got tested regularly and felt safe within their group when traveling to lifestyle events or even “vanilla” places where play might happen.
One of the couples got tested after heading home from an event, and they tested positive for gonorrhea. They wrote an email to the rest of their group explaining that they tested positive and wanted to be forthright with everyone in case they gave it to anyone else. It was a tough email to write, but the outpouring of support and love for them quickly showed the couple that no one was upset; instead, everyone held them up with high praise for doing the right thing.
Everyone in the group quickly got tested, and a few more positive results came back. They all started treatment right away (it’s a painful shot in your butt, and they are all fine now. The polycule is even closer now, having gone through this together. Now others are getting tested more regularly, and they are able to talk a lot easier about STIs within the group.
A Single Guy
I recently met a super cool single guy at a lifestyle event and I noticed a large Yoda tattoo on his leg. Being a Star Wars fan, I immediately said “cool tattoo” before really understanding what it was. When I complimented him on the tattoo, he started to tell me his story and why he got the tattoo.
You see, it wasn’t just a Yoda tattoo, it was a public notice to everyone that he was Herpes simplex virus (HSV) positive.
He found out from a partner who had HSV that they might have given it to him, or they might have gotten it from him. He got tested and he found out he was positive. At first, he kept it a secret. He went through the typical stages one goes through when they find out: Shame, Questioning, Denial, Guilt, and finally Truth.
Shame: At first, feeling unloved, unworthy, and irresponsible, it took him some time to get through this phase.
Questioning: What would this mean for his sex life? How would he tell people? Will he ever be desired again? Can he still be and feel sexy?
Was herpes going to be social and sexual suicide?
Denial: He spent the next year in denial. He still had sex, but not when he was having a breakout, so he thought he was being responsible. But he wasn’t. He thought everything was fine… until a partner contracted it from him.
Guilt: It was devastating, and for four months, it was difficult to feel anything but guilt.
Truth: Finally, he asked himself if he would rather be at war with himself or the world. He picked up the phone and called every one of his past partners to tell them the truth—all of them. He found out that none of them had contracted it, and for a moment, he found peace.
He found grace.
The tattoo idea came to him as a way to own his own narrative. It was time for him to put shame behind him and start living again. With knowledge and honesty.
It wasn’t time to hide anymore; it was time to heal. To help others learn about herpes, because the only thing he is spreading now is awareness, courage, and permission. Some people live their lives on their sleeves. Jungle Jaye wears it on his thigh.
I asked Jaye what his final takeaway from this experience was, and he said, “ You free yourself when you tell the truth, make peace with your past, and own your own story. Because when you live that raw, that real, and that unapologetic, you don’t just set yourself free… You give others permission to do the same.”
An STI that launched a new focus on testing
We have reported before about our friend Robert and how he was informed that he had given someone gonorrhea, and he was in total disbelief. He was getting tested fairly regularly, but didn’t realize that the tests he was being given did not test for gonorrhea and other STIs that were becoming more prevalent. He did a more thorough test; sure enough, he was infected but exhibiting no symptoms. Did you know that 80% of gonorrhea is oral? If you don’t take an oral swab when you test for an STI, you are missing out on one of the most common STIs, and you could be infected but not know it.
He got treatment but was inspired to do more to help educate and improve testing within the lifestyle. He searched for a way to put together a home testing kit that would test urine and blood and include oral swabs. Soon, Shameless Care was born, and he was sending test kits all over the country and setting up booths at lifestyle clubs and events to help educate people practicing non-monogamy.
We think all of the examples above are great success stories about people who did not suffer in silence. They took the news of their positive tests and made a conscious effort to communicate their status and use it to reduce the negative stigma and help reduce the spread of STIs.
We work with two great testing centers that provide in home testing kits that you can complete in the privacy of your home and if you do test positive, they both have doctors that can help you get the treatments you need in order to either find a cure or a treatment that will minimize your symptoms and breakouts. They are:
Shameless Care
Use the code NAUGHTY to get $30 off
and
STD Hero
Use the code NAUGHTY15 to get 15% off
Advice for talking to your partner(s) about a positive result
Many people say, “OK, these people were brave, they did the right thing, but I don’t know what to say to my partner, I don’t know how to do it”. Well, that’s why we have come up with a few ideas you can use to help communicate your status to others. Consider these things when talking to others:
Being truthful will garner you respect, and people will trust you more. If you are open about your status, people will know that you are not hiding things, which will lead to closer relationships and bonds.
It is crucial to create a safe space for your partner to express their feelings and ask questions. Pick a time when you won’t be distracted or interrupted and choose a private and relaxed place.
It’s normal to worry about how your partner will react. And there’s no way around it: they might get freaked out. If that happens, try to stay calm and talk about your plan to stay healthy and not give your STD to anyone. You might just need to give your partner a little time and space to process the news, which is normal.
Stay calm and remember you’re not the only one dealing with this. Millions of people have STDs, and plenty of them are in relationships. Try to go into the conversation with a calm, positive attitude. Having an STD is simply a health issue, and it doesn’t mean anything about you as a person.
Know your facts. There are a lot of myths about STDs out there, so read up on the facts and be ready to answer your partner’s questions. Let your partner know there are medicines that can cure or help treat your STD.
Encourage them to get tested and talk to a doctor who can answer their questions and concerns. If possible, go with them or order a home test from one of the organizations above and help them with the test.
Here are ten examples of ways you can start the conversation:
1. 'I need to talk to you about something important. I recently got tested for STIs, and unfortunately, the results came back positive.'
2. 'I want to have a serious conversation with you. I've received some unexpected news from my recent STI test.'
3. 'Hey, I need your support right now. I just found out that I tested positive for an STI, and I think we need to talk about it together.'
4. 'I've been thinking a lot about our health and safety, and I have something important to discuss with you. I've tested positive for an STI.'
5. 'I care about us and must be honest with you. My recent STI test came back positive, and I think we need to have a conversation about what that means for both of us.'
6. 'I know this is a tough topic, but it's crucial that we talk about it openly. I've tested positive for an STI, and we need to figure out how to handle it together.'
7. 'I'm feeling really anxious about telling you this, but I got my STI test results back, and they were positive. I think we should talk about what steps to take next.'
8. 'I never expected to be in this situation, but I just found out that I have an STI. I think it's important for us to discuss it together and figure out our next steps.'
9. 'I'm not sure how to say this, but I got some news from my recent STI test that I need to share with you. It's positive, and I think we need to talk about what this means for our relationship.'
10. 'I've been struggling with how to bring this up, but I need to be upfront with you. I tested positive for an STI, and I think we need to have an open conversation about it.'
Remember to approach the conversation with empathy, honesty, and a willingness to listen to your partner's feelings and concerns.
While most STIs (Chlamydia, Gonorrhea (Clap), Pubic lice (crabs), Syphilis, Trichomoniasis (trich)) can be easily cured, these (Herpes simplex virus (HSV), Chronic Hepatitis B, Genital Warts, HIV & AIDS, HPV) cannot. All of the common STIs listed above have links where you can learn more about each STI and how to treat them.
STI Facts
Are lifestyle couples more likely or less likely to have an STI? There have been no formal studies on this, so there is no way to know. Some people think non-monogamous people would naturally assume a higher risk, and some believe that more lifestyle couples (and singles) prioritize safe sex, so the numbers should be lower.
When talking to the testing companies, they found that their lifestyle clients had lower positive results overall. Does that mean swingers are safer? Possibly, but with a few caveats:
Clinics like Shameless Care and STD Hero mainly test asymptomatic people (mail-in kits take time).
Most of their tests are going to people who may skew higher income, and sadly, income matters a lot in STI rates.
Here are some more facts:
1. 20% of people in the US have an STI. That is one in 5 people. So the next time you go to an event or a club, assume that every 5th person you meet has an STI, and that should change the way you think about protection, STI prevention, and testing.
2. The most common STIs are Chlamydia, Herpes simplex virus (HSV), HPV, and Trichomoniasis (trich), accounting for the majority of both prevalent and new cases.
3. Chlamydia is the most commonly reported STI in the US.
4. STDs often show no symptoms. Many people with an STD don’t know it.
5. Good news! All STDs are treatable (including HIV), and many are curable.
Is there anything you can do if you suspect you might have had unprotected sex with someone who might have an STI?
Yes! There is an option to prevent some common STDs after sex. Doxy PEP is medication taken after sex to protect against getting some common STDs. But you have to act fast. Doxy PEP must be taken within 72 hours, ideally within 24 hours, after sex, and it requires a prescription. Your doctor can prescribe this for you, and you can also get it from Shameless Care.
Note: Doxy Prep is a preventive measure for bacterial STIs, like chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea, and is most effective when taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex. Doxy Prep is recommended if you have multiple partners, a history of STIs, engage in men having sex with men, or are otherwise at increased risk for STIs.
Doxy Prep is Not a Replacement for Condoms: Doxy PEP is not a substitute for consistent condom use.
Well, we hope you have learned a little about what to do if you test positive, you have learned a little more about STIs, and you have some good resources (links) in this blog to help you navigate the tricky (and sometimes scary) world of STIs.