September Is Sexual Health Month. Let’s Talk About It Like Adults.
We can talk about a fantasy, plan a weekend at a lifestyle event, and pack a suitcase full of outfits that barely qualify as clothing. But ask when someone last had an STI test, and suddenly the conversation gets awkward.
We want everyone to feel more comfortable having that conversation.
September is Sexual Health Awareness Month, and for those of us in the swinging community, it’s a good opportunity to look at how we take care of ourselves and each other. We put plenty of thought into having a great sex life. Our health deserves some of that attention, too.
Sexual health includes pleasure, confidence, communication, and feeling respected. It means being able to ask for what you want, speak up about what you don’t, and get medical care without feeling ashamed of your sex life.
As someone who brings people together through Naughty Events, I want our community to be a place where those conversations are welcome.
Let’s start with testing. Looking healthy and feeling fine don’t tell you whether someone has a sexually transmitted infection. Many STIs have no symptoms. Knowing someone for years, liking them, or thinking they seem responsible doesn’t tell you their status, either.
Make testing part of your routine. Tell your healthcare provider you have multiple partners and discuss which tests you need and how often. Be honest about the kinds of sex you have, too. Oral and anal sex may mean you need throat or rectal swabs; a blood draw or urine sample alone may miss infections at those sites. Your doctor can provide better care when they have the full picture.
And when you say, “I’ve been tested,” know what that means. What were you tested for? When? Have you had partners since then? Tests have different window periods, so an infection from a recent encounter may not show up yet. A negative result is useful information, but it isn’t a guarantee that every infection has been ruled out.
Those are reasonable things to discuss before playing. Nobody should have to apologize for asking.
While we’re at it, let’s retire the word “clean” when we mean someone tested negative. Think about what that says about a person who gets a positive result. An infection doesn’t make someone dirty, and shame makes an already difficult conversation harder.
If someone tells you about a diagnosis or possible exposure, treat them with respect. You can make your own decisions about sexual contact and still appreciate their honesty. If you receive a diagnosis yourself, get care, notify the partners who need to know, and follow your clinician’s guidance about when sexual contact can resume. Keep other people’s health information private.
Consent deserves the same attention. Being at a swingers’ event doesn’t give anyone permission to touch you. Neither does flirting, being naked, or having played together before. Your spouse cannot agree on your behalf, and buying someone dinner or a drink doesn’t create an obligation.
Ask. Listen. Accept the answer. Someone can change their mind at any point, including after things have started. If they seem hesitant, check in. If they’re too impaired to make a clear decision, stop.
For couples, have the conversation before you get to the party. What are you each comfortable with? What barriers will you use? How will you check in? What happens if one of you wants to leave? Then talk afterward, when there’s room to say what felt good and what didn’t. Nobody should feel they have to push through discomfort to keep their partner happy.
A little preparation helps with the physical side, too. Bring condoms and compatible lubricant. Use a new condom for each sex act and when changing partners. With latex condoms, use water-based or silicone-based lubricant; oils can damage the latex. Condoms reduce STI risk, but infections can still spread through uncovered skin. Oral sex carries STI risk as well, and barriers can help reduce it.
If pregnancy is possible, make sure contraception is part of the conversation. Preventing pregnancy and preventing infections require their own attention.
Ask your healthcare provider which vaccines are appropriate for you, including hepatitis B and HPV. Depending on your circumstances, HIV prevention medication called PrEP may also be worth discussing. PrEP prevents HIV; it doesn’t prevent other STIs or pregnancy. If you think you’ve just had a possible HIV exposure, seek urgent medical care about PEP. It must be started within 72 hours, and sooner is better.
Finally, permit yourself to talk about the parts of sex that aren’t working for you. Pain, changes in desire, erection difficulties, menopause, and anxiety deserve attention. You don’t have to pretend everything is wonderful because you’re “in the lifestyle.” Find a healthcare provider who listens and treats you respectfully, whatever your age, orientation, gender, or relationship structure.
There’s no requirement to play with a certain number of people, try every activity, or keep up with anyone else. You can go to an event, enjoy your friends, dance all night, and decide that’s exactly the evening you wanted.
This September, book the testing you’ve been putting off. Have the conversation you’ve been avoiding. Ask your partner how they’re really feeling. Make it easier for someone else to be honest with you.
I want us to have great sex, great experiences, and a community where we take care of each other. That takes all of us being willing to talk.
Here are some places we recommend to get tested:
Shameless Care & STD Hero